the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
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