You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Randomize
