Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Randomize
