Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
