I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
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