I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
