You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Randomize
