When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
is the fantasy fufillment of sex in a hot tub worth the possible infection?
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
