I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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