I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Randomize
