my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
