i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
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