Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
