i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
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