I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
