Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
My bed smells like the plague
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Randomize
