woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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