Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
A bitchslap is in order.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
