did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
