At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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