god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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