My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
