I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
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