At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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