Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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