If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
smell my finger.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
