Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Randomize
