My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
