I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Randomize
