you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
