I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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