I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
