im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
