so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Randomize
