I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Holy sore nipples Batman
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
