Ambien. No doubt about it.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Randomize
