I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Randomize
