I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
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