JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
