you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
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