my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I am never drinking with the goths again.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
