I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
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