He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
