cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
