My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
