3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
