Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
