i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
You were trust falling into bushes
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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