Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
Drunk is a universal language darling
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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