capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
